/ Humor

The Cattleman's Creed

Shortly after I became vegetarian but before I went vegan, I found myself in a barbecue restaurant with my entire family. While most folks were quietly accepting of my new and strange dietary habits, my brother upon hearing that I wasn't eating meat anymore simply declared with neither lead-in nor subsequent explanation, “I believe in beef.”

I have decided to formulate his system of belief into The Cattleman's Creed so that others may unite under one catholic, universal, and ruminant faith.

Full Text of the Creed

I believe in beef, seared cattle meat
from every grill on heaven and earth.

I believe in steak, beef's purest form, Lord of meats.
It was marbled through feeding of rich grain
and cut to ensure even doneness.
It aged within the fridge,
was dried, salted, and was crusted.

It descended into the grill.
With an internal temperature of 145, it rose again;
It ascended to the dinner plate.
It is seated at the right hand of the baked potato,
and it will be served without steak sauce.

I believe in prime rib,
the economical hamburger grind,
the stewing of chuck,
the braising of shoulder steaks,
the roasting of top round,
and flavor outstanding. Amen.